I am really excited to introduce you to Hayley B, a gifted poet who has very kindly written about her own self discovery for this website blog. Over to you, Hayley!
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Rediscovering yourself after struggling with an eating disorder or any sort of complex emotional needs can be such a daunting experience.
After coming to terms with recovery, and putting my all into getting ‘the old me’ back, I found myself feeling lost, and questioning my identity. For so many people the focus lies on returning to a past version of yourself. For me I yearned for the younger, carefree innocent girl in me. It took a lot of conscious effort and understanding of myself to begin questioning, “why would I want to squeeze into an unrealistic standard when there is so much room for growth and change?”
During the time of this epiphany, I went through a huge period of reflection. I had lost what felt like a chunk of me, a part of who I was. But most importantly I had to relearn years of thought processes, emotional responses and coping mechanisms that felt engraved in my mind.
Articulating my words felt impossible in a time of such uncertainty. This is when I began writing. I had always found it beneficial to keep a diary, to document my experiences and to hopefully one day look back on to inspire myself. However the real beauty in my writing came when I channelled the perspective of my thoughts from “I have to do this” to, “I GET to do this”.
I wrote a poem called ‘Progression’ which summarises this shift in perspective perfectly:
Somewhere between then and now
The salad turned into pizza
The sweetener became flavoured syrup
The ice cream was made from real dairy
The ‘I’m not hungry’ became ‘let’s order dessert!’
The leggings turned into jeans
The food stopped tasting of numbers
The routines turned into spontaneity
The black coffees became milky lattes
The regrets turned into memories
The colour splashed back into my cheeks
The fear turned into faith
And the body I spent years destroying Finally felt like home.
8th March 2024
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